How did I end up here? And by here, I mean this somewhat obscure fairy tale. Well, I'm reading Daughter of the Forest, which is a retelling of this, ThHow did I end up here? And by here, I mean this somewhat obscure fairy tale. Well, I'm reading Daughter of the Forest, which is a retelling of this, The Six Swans, and maybe a few other stories. So I thought it would be good to take a peek at the source material. Andersen's fairytale is longer and goes into a bit more depth than the version of The Six Swans I listened to, which was a bit of folklore collected by the famous Grimm brothers. Keep in mind, I believe there may be more than one version.
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In this one, you have a king with 12 children, who marries a witch. Obviously, unbeknownst to him. We don't set out to marry red flags, do we? Regardless, she's your typical evil stepmother, and starts her reign off by turning her 11 stepsons into swans. I mean...yeah. That's one way to go, right? Now, they can transform back into humans at night, but during the day? Birds.
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So what about her stepdaughter, Elisa? Well, for a while, things are ok. But as Elisa gets a bit older, the stepmother starts up her shenanigans again and tries to put her under an evil spell. However, the girl is so pious that the damn thing bounces right off of her. So the wicked queen resorts to putting dirt on her face and messing up the princess's dress, so that she becomes unrecognizable. Because that's a thing in fairy tales.
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Around this time, she and her brothers find each other, and they fly her to safety in another kingdom. And this is where she finds out that to turn her bros back to humans, she'll need to sew them all shirts made out of stinging nettles that are going to fuck up her hands, AND take a vow of silence until said shirts are all done and thrown over the heads of the swans. Thank goodness she's such a great sister because I can't see either one of my girls doing this for their older brothers. I think the best my boys could hope for would be to get tossed a bit of off-brand bread while they swam about at the pond.
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So here she is, picking these nettles and turning them into shirts in a cave somewhere by herself, silently weeping over this DIY project from Hell. Terrible. But it gets worse! Or maybe better? A hot king wanders through her neighborhood and spies her. And while her silence has him a bit flummoxed, her beauty is too much to resist, and he carts her off to his kingdom to continue her jacked-up craft project in a nice cozy room in his castle. And promptly falls in love with her. And then marries her.
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But the life of a young woman is fraught with danger, and the local religious leader thinks something is hinky about this chick who spends her days knitting these Frankenstein sweaters and her nights in the graveyard collecting the nettles to do it. She's probably in league with the Devil, amiright? Now her husband takes up for her at first, but after a while, the overwhelming "evidence" coupled with his wife's silence leads to only one conclusion - witchcraft! Welp. Gotta burn her.
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In their defense, her brothers do try to save her, but in their bird state, they can't do much. Lucky for them, little sis keeps on sewing right till the bitter end when they're loading her up on the burn pile. At the last possible moment, they come swooping down like a fairy tale version of Angry Birds, she tosses shirts over each of their heads, and they turn back into men. Mostly. She didn't have time to completely finish the last shirt, so one of the guys gets stuck with a wing in lieu of an arm.
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On the bright side, after witnessing this miracle, the angry villagers, the archbishop, and her lovely husband all decide that she's A-ok and welcome her back into the community with open arms.
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The moral of the story? Pray you're an only child.
I listened to the audiobook from Dreamscape Media narrated by Emma Fenney...more
Wowza. Yet another batshit bit of storytelling from The Grimm Bros.
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So this dad lets his wife talk him into abandoning his two small children in Wowza. Yet another batshit bit of storytelling from The Grimm Bros.
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So this dad lets his wife talk him into abandoning his two small children in the woods, because food is getting scarce. Not once! But twice! Child Protective Services was nowhere to be seen in this tale, my friend. The first time those wily kids managed to find their way back to the house, it was due to Hansel tossing some stones or somesuch on the ground. Second time around, stepmom got wise and made sure all Hansel had was some bread in his pockets. Good luck, kid. He tried, but the fat-ass birds ate that right up. Point goes to the stepmother for blocking his ability to get his hands on something non-edible to mark the trail. And don't worry, the dad feels bad about it. Both times. I mean, not enough to go looking for them, but... Yeah. Let's not point fingers or parent-shame him. It's hard to be a fairytale father.
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So poor little Hansel & Gretel wander around in the woods till they come upon a little house made entirely out of gingerbread. I think that would be a red flag to any kids in this day and age, but back in fairy tale times, this was something that apparently didn't raise the alarm. Gingerbread House = White Van with Free Candy Sign.
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Now, as someone who has been called a witch (or something witch-adjacent, perhaps?), I might rethink the gingerbread. Just from a hygiene standpoint alone, there might be problems with using cake as a building material, not to mention the structural problems you might encounter. And would any company realistically give you a termite bond? I feel like these are all things one might need to consider when building an elaborate trap to satisfy your craving for chubby roast-children. But you do you.
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As soon as the witch spies our hapless heroes nibbling on her domicile, she wastes no time shoving Hansel into a cage and attempting to fatten him up to a suitable size for baking. In case you were worried about space, our witch has some nice-sized industrial ovens, so she can just slide an entire kid in there on a pan. Spoiler alert: That may turn out to be a mistake for her.
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But Hansel is no dummy. He eats her food and then pokes a bone out through the cage bars in lieu of his finger. This buys him some time as the witch continues to try to turn him into a vealesque item on the menu. Gretel, on the other hand, gets only crab shells. Crab shells? Where the hell is she getting crab shells in the middle of the woods? I know I'm overthinking this, but I just can't help myself.
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Alright. Weeks pass, and this little bastard in the cage is getting no bigger. <--or so the witch and her poor eyesight think! So she's just like, fuck it! imma eat the little shit. and his mangy sister, too!, and tells Gretel to go stick her head in the oven and see if it's warm. Gretel, who, let's not forget, has been living off of nothing but crab shells for almost a month, senses danger. She's like, huh? check the oven? butbutbut how do i do that? and the witch is like, bitch, get out of my way and i'll show you and leans right into it. We all remember what happens next, right? And I dare you to say that as a kid, this next part didn't make you clap your grimy child hands together with glee. Gretel gives the cannibal witch a swift kick in the pants, knocking her into the oven, then slams the door and roasts the absolute fuck out of her. She savors the sweet smell of burning meat for a few minutes, then she unlocks the cage and saves her brother.
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The siblings find the witch's treasure, and a duck (it's either magical or it's on steroids) takes them across a pond back to their home, where they find out their stepmother has died off and their father has missed them terribly. And they alllll live happily ever after. Now, there is a lot wrong with that last little bit. Did Hansel and Gretel not harbor any residual anger against the man who actively participated in abandoning them to a fate that, had Gretel been slightly more squeamish about murder, would have left both of them as pie filling?! All I can say is that I hope they managed to find a good family therapist.
And is promptly raped and impregnated by the priest. Naturally, the Church's solution was to move him toA 14 year old girl walks into a church.
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And is promptly raped and impregnated by the priest. Naturally, the Church's solution was to move him to a different parish where he continued to play the part of disgusting person to perfection. So, even in the early 30s, people were aware this was a problem. I'm not blaming religion, I'm blaming people who turn a blind eye to monsters and their victims because they're afraid of the scandal. But I always enjoy seeing how things we think of as new problems turn out to be old issues when you read fiction from an earlier time. Things definitely change, but humans and our tendencies to repeat the same mistakes stay the same.
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Anyway, this is a story within a story. In other words, it's one of those a man finds a copy of someone's diary kind of thing. And the diary starts with a secondhand story about a Hatfield's and McCoy's sort of ancient feud, where revenge leads to cruelty leads to a family curse. <-- or so the legend says...
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The diary writer, Bertrand Caillet, then writes of his strange and tragic experience. A twist of fate coupled with his own dishonorable actions makes him feel responsible for the mother and her child, and he and his aunt try to do the best they can within the confines of a terrible situation. A terrible situation made worse when the little boy who was a product of the rape, then grows into a teenage werewolf. As you do. Sadly, he does not make the basketball team. Honestly, I think sports would have made all the difference in this kid's life. I mean, just look what it did for Scott Howard!
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It's also an interesting bit of historical fiction, as the main story takes place in France during the Franco-Prussian War. Ok, and blame my American schooling, but I'd never really heard much of the whole Paris Commune kerfuffle. Whoa! And Guy Endore writes about it with this boots-on-the-ground perspective, while the city is in turmoil and the horrors of war spin and spill over the guilty and innocent alike. BUT WITH A WEREWOLF. So, that takes it up a notch.
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The little werewolf eats a few people and even finds love before this whole ordeal is over. But not in a Jacob vs Edward thing, so don't worry that you'll have to pick a team or something. This is not a romance, and nobody gets a happy ending. Caillet writes about his werewolf ward from a place of love and loathing, remembering the boy but with a sad understanding that the man he has become is too damaged to be allowed freedom. Alas, this book is no Twilight.
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Unbelievably, even without the addition of an emo vampire finding true love, this book manages to be a lot of really interesting things rolled into one, and I was thoroughly impressed by it. Recommended....more
Am I the only one who didn't know his beard was actually blue? I'm not saying that's a red flag, but if a whole fairytale serial killer story is based Am I the only one who didn't know his beard was actually blue? I'm not saying that's a red flag, but if a whole fairytale serial killer story is based around it...
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So this guy is rich, but he has a BLUE beard. <--no idea what the author was trying to say about men with blue beards, but it's a weird thing to have happening on your face. Even back then. He's having a hard time getting a wife because of said blue beard (and I'm assuming all those missing wives), so he invites two sisters to his house to show off all of his goodies. And the younger one decides that after seeing how much $$$$ this guy has that...well, his beard isn't all that blue.
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They marry and all goes well for a little while. Then he has to go away for a bit and gives her the keys to every room in the house. She can go into ANY of them! <--he says Except this one room. <--he says all menacingly NEVER GO IN THAT ROOM OR I WILL KNOW AND YOU'LL BE IN FOR IT! <--he says
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The hell, my man? Of course, she can't resist that room now. <--it's what he wants So after she throws a big wingding for all of her friends (b/c why else marry a guy with a blue beard if not to throw all the lavish parties?), she sneaks into the forbidden room. And guess what? Yes, exactly! A whole pile of dead wives. Just...hanging around all bloated and crusty. And the floor is inexplicably coated with magic blood. Magic? <-- you say Yes, magic. Because she drops the damn key on the floor and the blood won't wash off it. AND NOW HE'S GONNA KNOW.
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So he comes back and finds the key all sticky and gross and says welp, guess I'm gonna have to kill you now and she's like oh wait! give me a minute to freshen up! and he goes ok, but hurry up and she starts whisper-yelling to her older sister to check out the window and see if her brothers are on their way yet, and he's like woman, what's taking you so long? i need to hurry up and throttle you so i can find another wife who isn't so nosey and she's like coming, dear! except she's still whisper-yelling to her sister jesus christ! are they here yet? this mf is gonna kill meeeee! and he's like look, i really need to get on with this because i have a blue beard and it's going to take me FOREVER to find another woman who is willing to marry this mess and our heroine is starting to lose hope because he's now choking the life out of her when her sister finally whisper yells back our brothers are here! and they bust down the door and fuck this Blue Beard uppppp. And she gets all of his money and throws more cool parties.
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So what's the moral of the story? <-- I'm assuming you ask Well, according to this, the moral of the story is that you should obey your husband or it might lead to some choking. Which is basically the advice I give my daughters as I send them out into the world. Except for all of that whole sentence because...for fuck's sake! But it's still a very readable fairytale.
Recommended. Just maybe not as a bedtime story for little kids.
Night Light Audio English 15m by Charles Perrault read by Carrington MacDuffie...more
One of the better fairytales. Like, you could read this one to your kids and not give them nightmares.
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So, a nice widow and her two young daughtOne of the better fairytales. Like, you could read this one to your kids and not give them nightmares.
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So, a nice widow and her two young daughters live in the woods. The girls (shockingly) get along with each other and their mother (shockingly) isn't a cunt trying to kill them. A bear shows up. He's hurt so they help him, and it turns out he can talk. Because that's a thing that happens. But he's a nice talking bear. You know, lets the girls pull his fur, paint his toenails, and whatnot.
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On the flip side, these girls keep running into this assy little dwarf that is constantly getting himself into life-threatening situations. They help him, and he cusses them out for not doing a "better" job of it. Wash, rinse, repeat.
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The girls eventually come across a showdown between the bear and the dwarf, wherein the jerk of a dwarf tries to get the bear to eat the girls instead of himself. The bear takes him out with one big paw and...POOF! He's transformed into a hottie.
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As you can probably tell, the ungrateful gremlin guy was evil - no need to mourn that he was mauled by a bear. And the fuzzy, talking bear was a prince under a curse from this nasty dwarf who wanted his treasure. Snow White ends up marrying the bear prince, with the only downside being she has to shave his back every night. Rose Red ends up with his up-till-now-unknown brother, Prince 2.0. But I'm sure that won't cause problems later.
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And they all lived happily ever after.
Findaway Voices English 15m by Jacob Grimm, Wilhelm Grimm read by Erica Holden, Martin Holden...more
Magic Mirror on the wall... ohmygod is that a fucking chin hair?!
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Reading this at my age, I see it all in a new light. So the stepmom tries to kilMagic Mirror on the wall... ohmygod is that a fucking chin hair?!
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Reading this at my age, I see it all in a new light. So the stepmom tries to kill Snow White because the kid is getting better looking by the day. And you know what? I can't even hate her for that one. These young women with their taut skin and perky butts? DEATH TO THEM ALL! <--ignore me, I don't mean that, it's just the menopause talking
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But I'm betting Snow was wandering around the castle singing in that squeaky high-pitched voice and talking to animals. And here this perimenopausal queen is just wanting a little freaking peace and quiet. It was only a matter of time before the woman snapped and thought to herself: this weird bitch has to go. I mean, how hard can it be to get rid of one chirpy teenager?
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Well, let me tell you, it's harder than it looks. The poor, beleaguered, middle-aged monarch is first foiled by the lying-ass huntsman who should have had her back, and then by these squirrely dwarves that Snow White takes up with in some hippie commune in the woods. Queen can't catch a break. Or so it seems...
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Because. After narrowly avoiding death twice, Snow White then chokes on a magic apple that she should have damn well known not to eat by that point. And for reasons of plot is subsequently put under glass and on display in the woods by the dwarves. That one always seemed...odd.
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Then along comes true love. Or at least a prince who falls in love with her beauty, and decides to tote her off - causing the apple to fall out of her mouth. She pops up like a daisy and immediately marries the guy. But let's face it, marrying a strange prince who wanted to steal her dead body wasn't even the iffiest thing she'd done up to that point. Yeah. Take a moment to let that one sink in.
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At the end of the day, Snow White is a doofus, the prince is a creep, and my sympathies lie with the hot mess of a witch. The moral of the story? Snow White is the patron saint of women who accept drinks from strangers, eat unverified brownies, and climb into white vans. Do not be a Snow White....more
Marduk vs Tiamat! Straight outta Ancient Mesopotamia, this action-packed thrill ride (not really) is one of the oldest creation myths that we know abouMarduk vs Tiamat! Straight outta Ancient Mesopotamia, this action-packed thrill ride (not really) is one of the oldest creation myths that we know about. Tune in to hear about waters mingling (wink, wink), an elder god getting pissed about how loud his kids are, and how humans were created as a slave race to feed and clothe the gods. Good stuff.
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Now, this version was the one translated by Leonard William King and (from what I could find) is apparently quite respectable, but I'm not at all an expert. I would assume there are better/more complete translations available now, and I've got my eye on a few that I've already put on my wish list. It's hard for those of us who can't read and write in ancient Sumerian and Akkadian to fully grasp what the smarty-pants people are getting up to on archeological digs, but goddammit, I'm going to give it the old didn't-go-to-college try. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd appreciate it.
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The narrator isn't all that fantastic but I can't imagine that "Museum Audiobooks" is really doing a booming business with stuff like this, so I won't complain....more
Pre-Tolkien fantasy. And if you thought Tolkien meandered...
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I knew going into it that I probably wasn't going to adore it, but I really wanted Pre-Tolkien fantasy. And if you thought Tolkien meandered...
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I knew going into it that I probably wasn't going to adore it, but I really wanted to see what it was all about. Mainly, because someone had recommended it to me a while back, and it looked interesting from a classic fantasy sort of view. And I'm not sorry I spent my time on it. I will say that I used the same tactic that I did with Lord of the Rings and sped the narration up 2.5x. I didn't feel like marinating in all the details that weren't important to the main story. And there was a lot that wasn't at all important. I know there are tons of readers who enjoy just swimming around in the lyrical prose, but I'm not one of them.
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The skinny gist is that a group of men go to their lord and make known their wish that he bring magic to the royal bloodline. They simply can't think of a better way to put their village on the map. He then sends his son, Alveric, on a quest to marry the daughter of the King of Elfland. He does a bit of boring questing involving finding the border of Elfland & getting a magical sword, and then finally besting Princess Lirazel's guards. Lirazel quickly falls in love with Alveric, and they run away to his home, Erl. So far, so good.
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Of course, Alveric wants to convert Lirazel to his human ways and to his human God, and Lirazel struggles with how different things are in her adopted homeland. They have a boy they name Orion, and things bump along alright for a few years before Alveric really starts to pressure Lirazel to get with the program. Well, like any relationship with a huge cultural divide, things get a tad testy. Meanwhile, the King of Elfland is freaking completely out because his beloved daughter was "stolen" from him, and has moved into that world where time doesn't stand still. She's aging, and he's terrified she'll die. So he sends a troll to our world with a rune that will bring her back. Except she kind of knows what it is and avoids looking at it because she loves her little boy and her husband - even though the latter is really working her nerves at this point.
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Then one day, after a particularly bad fight, she takes a peek at the rune because she's homesick and tired of Alveric's shit. BOOM! She's dragged back to Elfland! And not only that but her father moves the border and basically bars the way in so he can keep the creepy human boys away from his little girl.
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At this point, Alveric realizes what a dumbass he's been and sets out to get his wife back. Ooooh this is getting good! <--is what you probably think, right? Wrong. This is where the whole story grinds to a halt and starts to go sideways. The rest of this is an incredibly tedious bunch of quests that could. not. be. less interesting. Orion learns how to hunt and then spends an amazing amount of page time hunting unicorns. In excruciating detail. Not the killing! Just the growing up, meeting hunters, getting a dog pack, tracking the scent, running one to the ground, blah, blah, blah.
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And his dad picks a group of guys to go find the border of Elfland. Complete with a couple of crazies who eventually turn crazier and basically hold him prisoner to keep him from leaving them. And while that might sound interesting, it's not.
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Dry questing and descriptive prose take up the rest of the book. Nothing, and I mean nothing that happens to either Alveric OR Orion makes any difference one way or the other to the conclusion of the story. Meanwhile, the parliament of men who went to the original lord and asked for a magical bloodline to rule them gets more than they bargained for when trolls and other magical creatures decide to take a vacation from Elfand. Be careful of what you wish for is the moral of the story here. However, due to Lirazel missing her husband and son, the King of Elfland finally relents and they all get a happily ever after.
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I guess what Dunsany was trying to say is that if you marry a girl from Elfland, don't expect her to be anything but a girl from Elfland. Trying to convert her to your religion and tamping down her wild side isn't going to lead to a happy marriage. A hot elf chick fell in love with you - just enjoy it, idiot.
The first book in the series felt a bit more genuine because Lady Blakeney was unaware of her husband's secFun. But not as fun as the original.
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The first book in the series felt a bit more genuine because Lady Blakeney was unaware of her husband's secret identity, so her fuckups were funny but she didn't come off as an idiot. This time around, she just came off as a dumbass for the sake of dumbassery.
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So, due to plot requirements, Marguerite St. Just (aka Lady Blakeney) rushes headfirst into danger and gets herself captured by the evil Chauvelin and his cronies. HEADS WILL ROLL! Get it? Get it...?
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The best part of this one is how sweet Marguerite and Percy are together in this one. Come for the adventure, stay for the romance, right?
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Ok, so the skinny gist is that Chauvelin manages to worm an invite into the Blakeney's home during a big party, and then challenges Sir Percy to a duel over the honor of a French actress who purposely stirred up a young guest of the Blakeneys by wearing her dead mother's jewels to the party. Duels are illegal in England, so when Percy accepts Chauvelin's challenge the only way to fulfill it is to travel to France. Where the mad revolutionists are waiting to grab him and lop off his head! Or something along those lines.
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This story, while cute, just didn't have the same spark for me. I'm not sure if I continue on with these books, but I'm not sorry I've read them, either....more
Not as funny as one might assume a divine comedy would be.
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I read this in preparation for a Great Courses lecture on it, so hopefully I'll come Not as funny as one might assume a divine comedy would be.
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I read this in preparation for a Great Courses lecture on it, so hopefully I'll come back with more insight on the whole thing. But upon first reading, my takeaway is that it seems as though Mr. Alighieri just had some bones to pick and a vivid imagination. I've got to read the rest of this set and see how it all turns out for him.
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The skinny gist is that Dante gets lost in some woods and runs into the Roman poet Virgil, who then takes Dante on a side quest to Hell. And ew it is not a pretty place. The sinners stuck there in varying degrees of misery, torture, and in one instance actual shit, all seem to have done the same (ish) sorts of things. So, Dante must have had some kind of internal ranking system that I don't fully understand yet. <-this is what the lecture series will be for, so don't give up on me. But my point is, none of it was especially titillating or even shocking, and then all of a sudden as we hit the home stretch - OHMYGOD HE ATE HIS DEAD KIDS! Ok, Dante. I see you.
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But for the most part? Lots of liars in Hell, my friend. And the people who couldn't resist the sex monster, of course. And religious leaders. I was honestly shocked when he ran up on Joel Osteen and Pat Robertson getting spanked by a demon. Like, wow. Even back then, they were known...
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Recommended.<--if for no other reason than to be able to look smug and say you've read that one already. The narration by George Guidall was great if anyone is looking at the Recorded Books audiobook version....more
I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go. - Neil Gaiman I feel that adequately sums up the gist of this book.
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II think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go. - Neil Gaiman I feel that adequately sums up the gist of this book.
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If you don't already know, this tells the story of a young woman who had an adulterous affair with a man she refused to name which resulted in a child. It's not hard to for the reader to figure out who he is, and when her husband comes back to town he also figures it out, then sets about mentally torturing him for years. Meanwhile, because the woman committed the crime/sin of adultery, she is sentenced to wear a piece of cloth with the letter A emblazoned on it. In scarlet. <--in case you hadn't guessed that part.
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I have to give a mention to the "introduction". Now, I read this book back in high school for my English class. And this time around I re-read it with my daughter who is also reading it for her high school English class - except now they call it Language Arts, I think. Anyway, her teacher told her they could skip the introduction. But being a full-grown adult, I decided to read the whole thing. And I did, but damn my mind wandered. There was a lot of nonsense just to say that our anonymous narrator found a scarlet cloth with the letter A on it, and a short explanation about Hester Prynne which inspired him to write a story about her. I said all that to say this, maybe my kid's teacher had the right idea.
This is not the easiest book to read thanks to Hawthorne's penchant for using twenty words when one would do, so it's not the most interesting thing to hand to high school kids. Honestly, I don't know why they continue to make children suffer through so many of these classics and then wonder why kids don't like to read anymore, but there you go.
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Alright. I don't know if the ending is supposed to sound hopeful, but it makes me ill to think that someone might have actually felt that way about it. The townspeople respect her when it's all said and done with because she persevered and took her lumps like a boss. But who cares if you win the respect of sanctimonious assholes? She should have stayed with the then-grown Pearl, wherever she was. Why not enjoy your daughter? Why not find someone new? Or better yet, just find something new to do? Move on, goddammit. But she couldn't let go of that guilt. And the thing is, most guilt is relative to a belief system, not to any reality. I mean, would she feel so oppressively guilty now? No. She would have gotten a divorce from her husband, or not married him at all. And I'm betting he would have just simply decided that women were the pits & gone back to his research. Who knows, she & Arthur might even have lasted for a few years before she decided he was a douchy waste of space. At which point, they would have parted ways and he and Hester would have shared custody of Pearl. The end.
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This book is a lot of things, and you can take so much away from reading it. A look at the old Puritanical New England, an expose on women being punished more severely than men when it comes to sexual morality, or even the hypocrisy that allows someone to preach against the thing that they themselves are guilty of doing in the dark. For me personally, my main takeaway is that wasting your life feeling guilty is maybe the biggest sin out there. You have to forgive yourself and move on. If not, you'll end up just like Hester. Alone on the outskirts of town, sitting in a cottage giving (probably terrible) advice to young women who are in trouble, hoping that it will eventually be enough penance to earn you a place in Heaven.
You get what anybody gets - you get a lifetime. - Also Neil Gaiman
Pro Tip: Honoré de Balzac isn't a name that someone with a Southern accent has an easy time with, and I walked around for a week telling everyone that Pro Tip: Honoré de Balzac isn't a name that someone with a Southern accent has an easy time with, and I walked around for a week telling everyone that I was reading a book by someone whose name was Ballsack. Honestly, I should have just listened to the book, shut up, and kept my redneck pronunciation tucked under my hat. It's hard to be taken seriously when you have a drawl.
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Okay, first things first. Cousin Bette isn't as sympathetic as I thought she'd be when I read the blurb. She's a bit of a dick. Now there are moments when you can get behind her, but most of the time, she's just as selfish and unlikable as the rest of the characters in the book. So don't go into this thinking you'll get to root for some downtrodden heroine.
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And yet, by the end of the book I was convinced the true villain was Adeline. Now, I'm not saying it was her fault that her scumbag husband, Baron Hector Hulot, cheated on her. But I am saying that it's probably not the best idea to comfort your husband when his mistress throws him over for a wealthier man. Balzac did this thing where he wrote her as this pseudo-sympathetic character, full of what everyone thinks the virtues of a good wife are, then perfectly pointed the finger at why all of those virtues are bullshit. Led by her long-suffering example, her entire family fell into one ruinous situation after another. Put a foot up his ass, Madame!
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Ok. So the skinny gist is that Bette is this swarthy peasant who is jealous of her family. They're not terrible to her but they treat her like she's...well, a swarthy peasant.
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BUT THEN. You find out Bette has been financially supporting this sexy little artist in her building. She says she thinks of him as a son but...oh-ho-ho, methinks not! So imagine her surprise when Adeline's beautiful daughter flits in like the Hamburgler and steals her young man right out from under her.
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Now she's pissed. In an effort to screw with them, she teams up with Valérie, an unscrupulous married woman in her apartment building. Valérie seduces (I use that term loosely) Adeline's husband and takes him for everything he has, bankrupting the family, while Adeline coos, coddles, and suffers in silence. Valérie is so good at her job that she is also simultaneously carrying on affairs with several other men - including Adeline's daughter's husband and her son's father-in-law! These men are all ridiculous and stupid. There's just no other way to describe them.
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Throughout the story, Hulot just could not stop himself from chasing ever-younger ass. By the end of it he was just a sad old fart with half a chubby running after girls, and yet (like most narcissists) he never really got what was coming to him. Because right up till the end, Adeline worshiped and enabled him. No one really got what they wanted, Bette included. But she came close a time or two. Fun story! Recommended....more
This book embodies the term swashbuckling. As in, Don Diego de la Vega swashes and buckles better than anyone who has ever held a sword and loved a womThis book embodies the term swashbuckling. As in, Don Diego de la Vega swashes and buckles better than anyone who has ever held a sword and loved a woman.
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I still can't make up my mind if it was great or awful but I enjoyed it either way. Zorro sings, winks at his friends, taunts his enemies, steals romantic kisses from his betrothed, and generally is just the best at everything right up to the last page. Is it at all realistic? No. But dammit, it's exactly what we want to see!
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The Further Adventures continues with a character we thought was dead at the end of the last book, the evil Caption Ramon, rising up from the grave to haunt Zorro and his soon-to-be bride, the lovely senorita Lolita. McCulley doesn't bother to explain why Ramon isn't still dead, he just flitters past it with a quick little - he recovered from getting run through with a sword and lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood for god knows how long before someone must have realized he was still alive and took him to the ER, where I'm sure they performed cutting edge surgery that saved his life, and now he's up and running about as though nothing happened - kind of explanation. In other words, Captain Ramon rises from the ashes like a phoenix because that first Zorro movie was a hit and now we're making a sequel.
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On the flip side, the somewhat morally ambiguous Sgt. Gonzales makes a complete turnaround and is now solidly on the side of angels. And Zorro's friends the bold caballeros, who honestly seem like a bunch of chivalrous frat boys, also play a bigger role in this book.
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Bill Homewood was perfect because he read this in an even more OTT way than anyone could have possibly asked him to do. I visualized the villain's twirling mustache, I saw Zorro skipping along the ship's rigging singing, and I felt faint as Senorita Lolita Pulido swooned. I should have been rolling my eyes but I was in love with his rendition of these characters.
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So prepare yourself, Random Goodreader. Pirates may make our hero walk the plank, but the power of friendship, shoddy rope-tying practices, and true love will eventually save the day! Recommended....more
Top to bottom, this was great. As an adventure story, this has it all - swordfights, near escapes, secret identities, romance, anSo. Much. Fun.
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Top to bottom, this was great. As an adventure story, this has it all - swordfights, near escapes, secret identities, romance, and deliciously colorful villains! Normally when I hear that something was serialized, I just assume it's going to be a bit too long and full of unnecessary filler that the author was using to pad out his word count. Not this time. McCulley wrote this in 5 easy installments, each one chock full of nothing but pulpy goodness.
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The story is seemingly set in the late 1700s to early 1800s when California was still under Spanish rule. Although, I'm not an expert and I believe some of the movies depict the time period as under Mexican rule. Point is, this was before California was a part of the United States and the West was still wild. Our hero, Don Diego Vega, is rich and handsome but pretends to be a lifeless dud so no one will suspect that he is actually the swashbuckling hero Zorro - righter of wrongs and defender of innocents!
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Fun Facts: In Spanish zorro means fox, so if you're wondering what all the references to the fox are about in this thing, there's your answer. Also, this was originally titled The Curse of Capistrano when it came out in 1919, but after the popularity of the silent film The Mark of Zorro, the book was re-released in 1924 with the same name.
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I wasn’t expecting to like it as much as The Scarlet Pimpernel, but I did. If I had to pick between the two of them it would be tough, and Orczy’s adventure tale has been my go-to for a classic that is actually fun to read for years. Highly Recommended!...more
The Mirror Crack'd A really good Christie mystery for Marple fans. The victim, Heather Babcock, is one of those idiots that get on everyone's nerves. You know, a pushy do-gooder that forces their help on everyone? It's not sad when she bites it.
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A Caribbean Mystery The magical Miss Marple does it again! Only this time she does it on a tropical vacation.
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Unlike quite a few of the Marple mysteries, this one heavily features everyone's favorite little old spinster. As in, she's not just a side character in her own story. I personally just love the way her inner mind works. So proper and sweet...but not really.
Nemesis Agatha isn't known for her sequels, but that's almost exactly what Nemisis is...in a way. Remember A Caribbean Mystery?! No? Yeah, well it was somewhat forgettable. But for whatever reason, Christie decided to use one of those characters that Jane teamed up with to kick start this mystery. And while most of them have absolutely nothing to do with her current Nemesis, you do get a tiny peek at what some of those guys are up to now. <--kinda cool
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What Mrs. McGillicuddy Saw! This story is also known as 4:50 from Paddington. Lucy Eyelesbarrow is the best thing about this book. Loved her. Why is she not in more books? She and Miss Marple were just an unbeatable team!
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The Body in the Library I figured it out! I knew whodunnit! I was smugly chuckling and congratulating myself on finally beating Agatha Christie at her own game as I listened to the end of the book drawing near, knowing that I had beaten the Queen of Mystery.
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Goddammit. She fooled me again. I was all like, wait...whatthefuckjusthappened?! - as I listened to the actual murderer get hauled off to the pokey. sighs
This one isn't a paranormal story at all but it does have that psychological The Pit and the Pendulum feel to it, especially at the end.
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BasicalThis one isn't a paranormal story at all but it does have that psychological The Pit and the Pendulum feel to it, especially at the end.
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Basically, a baby-faced idiot falls for a very bad woman that he thinks needs rescuing. You can see it coming from a mile away, but that makes it even more fun to watch. I mean, who doesn't like a good train wreck? And watching some youthful Romeo make an ass out of himself over a married woman is the kind of thing that ignites itself into just the best kind of flaming wreckage, imho.
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The ending was a nail-biter and I thought Le Fanu did a great job of stringing out the tension! Recommended....more
OH-KAY. Yes. This was spooky. This story comes from a friend of a friend of a friend who knows someone's third cousin who has heard alllll about the haOH-KAY. Yes. This was spooky. This story comes from a friend of a friend of a friend who knows someone's third cousin who has heard alllll about the haunted house that used to be occupied by Justice Harbottle from their brother-in-law. I know I'm not the only one who loves this type of wacky storytelling.
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Justice Harbottle is a smarmy judge who uses his power and influence to get innocent men and women sent to the gallows. The case that finally does him in is the husband of Harbottle's housekeeper, who he has brought up on trumped-up forgery charges and then sentenced to death, so he can keep sleeping with her.
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A little while later his ghost and all of Harbottle's old victims return and hold their own Night Court to pass judgment on him. The sentence? Death. They even give him an execution date. Ooooooooooh! How's this gonna go down?! <--I wondered
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Ok, fair warning, there was a little weird thing at the beginning where Harbottle and this supposed informant have a meeting, and it honestly doesn't do anything for the ghost story. I don't know why Le Fanu even put it in there unless he was getting paid by the word. BUT. The rest of this short was pretty great, and the narrator did a fabulous job. I listened to this as part of the collection In a Glass Darkly. Recommended....more
Pee-yew! My second stinker in a row from Le Fanu. I didn't think he could write anything could be more boring than Green Tea but he managed it. This timPee-yew! My second stinker in a row from Le Fanu. I didn't think he could write anything could be more boring than Green Tea but he managed it. This time around, our main character is stalked by a small man. Yes, you read that right.
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Ok. So it starts with this guy, Captain Barton, a retired navy man who gets engaged to this pretty young woman. On the way home from her house one night, he gets stalked by someone invisible, then finds a sinister note the next day warning him to stay off of that street. I should mention that he's an atheist. So. Yeah. Now, he's going to learn the hard way that the spiritual stuff is REAL.
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Things escalate when he sees this sinister looking small man a few days later while he's out with friends. He freaks out and goes home and everyone is all, what just happened, duuude?, but they assume he'll be fine. He is not fine, as it turns out. The small man is some sort of supernatural stalker.
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Obviously, he's wronged someone (probably the small man) and this is his punishment. Unfortunately, the spirit stalker never really does anything. He just kind of shows up every now and then. His old acquaintance and maybe someday father-in-law tries to help him, but everywhere they go this little guy pops up...and lurks. And that's the part that I don't get. THIS DUDE NEVER DOES ANYTHING THAT WOULD FRIGHTEN A READER.
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I understand that it would be freaky as hell if you were literally being followed by a dead guy you had fucked over. But that doesn't make for a scary story. Small Man needed to reach out with his icy fingers and touch the back of Barton's neck while he was in a spooky house by himself. Or something! It's just not all that chilling when this ghost dude goes and says things like “Monsieur is walking too fast; he will lose his sick comrade in the throng, for, by my faith, the poor gentleman seems to be fainting.” to the father-in-law. What is he? The Spirit of Helpfulness? Uuuuuugh. There was never a moment where I was interested in any part of this tale. In case you're wondering, the moral of the story is that the guy learns to believe in God.
Weird and extremely boring. I was listening to the audiobook and I must have had to rewind about a thousand times because I'd just space out due to thWeird and extremely boring. I was listening to the audiobook and I must have had to rewind about a thousand times because I'd just space out due to the terrible quality of the storytelling.
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The gist is that this dude drinks Green Tea while studying ancient religions. Too much Green Tea later will open your third eye. Apparently. Because the next thing you know, he's on a bus and suddenly this demon monkey appears to him. He sees it all the time and it drives him crazy. He appeals to a non-practicing doctor who believes in the spiritual side of things in the hopes that this guy can help him.
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This was bad. Just from start to finish. Green tea and a demon monkey? Getthefuckoutofhere....more
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